Writing Help?

Neotyguy40 · Oct 08, 2009 3:43 AM

Ok, now I have a small story that I have made (I will continue it later), which is about a kid who... Well I don't want to spoil it, so I will just post the first part. This one is about dragons :-P

Dragons of Mythology

“Why do we need to learn about mythology? Especially dragons?”, the student in the back row shouted out. “It’s not like we would ever need to learn about this kind of stuff when we get older, it’s not real.”
“Raise your hand next time Cameron!”, the teacher shouted impatiently. “Mythology is the study of theology of long ago, when people thought there were cyclopses, giants, and other non-existent creatures living in the world. It gives you a feeling of how the world was back then, and now.”
“I still think that we shouldn’t need to learn this kind of stuff if we won’t need it in the future.” Cameron said again.
Maybe that’s why you were held back twice, Leo thought to himself. I do agree with him though, why do we need to learn about these things?

“Now let me ask a question for you all.”, the teacher said. “How is it that hundreds of civilizations told stories about dragons, when they haven’t had contact with each other since the beginning of humanity?”
Hmm?
“Everyone had the same exact description of a dragon, other than the far east Asia.” the teacher said. “The definition of a dragon was told almost exactly the same everywhere else, a large reptile with wings that could spit venom or breath fire, and lived for long periods of time.”
Like a demon?
“About a thousand years ago, people in Europe feared dragons. They even made a group named Humanus Obviam Extraho, which literally translated to Humans Against Dragons.”
Paranoid much?
“Hey what’s wrong with Leo’s hand?” one of the kid’s sitting next to Leo said.
Hmm? What does she m-, Leo looked at the back of his hand and saw what she meant, his hand had some sort of shiny blue patch on it. What the heck is this?
“You should get a doctor to look at that” Cameron said. “I bet it’s a fungus.”
Everyone was looking at his hand with shock. “You better go to the nurse” the teacher said “It could be contagious.”

The nurse did what she always did, just like a routine. First she took your temperature with a broken thermometer that always said you had perfect temperature, then she looked at the back of your throat, and then she said “You seem perfectly fine, but maybe you should go home and rest.”
“What about my hand?” Leo said, “This doesn’t look fine, the back of it is blue!” He pulled his sleeve down and showed the back of his hand, rotating it left and right so he could make sure she got a good view of it.
“Well it doesn’t look like anything I’ve seen before, so just tell your parents you need to go to a dermatologist or something and get it checked.”
This is what I hate about my life. Why is it no one can do their job correctly? I feel like I am the only intelligent person on this planet!
“I’ll do that.” Leo said with some hidden disgust.

Leo lived in a rural area in southern Vermont, so he did not like walking to school everyday, especially since it is 5 miles away. It takes an hour just to get there, and much of the time it is rainy or snowy.
I wonder what this is. It doesn’t look like any fungus. And it’s blue? What is with that?
He did not need to wait long for him to get answered, for as he went inside his house, a man with a suit was sitting in his dining table waiting for him.
“Well there you are!” he said.

Anyway, I know that it is poorly made. Please don't tell me it is good. I need to know what I should change in this, or add, or take away, or anything. Names, dialogue, text, ANYTHING that you think would make it better. I am trying to get a good start with this.

bmah · Oct 08, 2009 8:41 AM

I like the concept of the story, but I first would like to ask you where you've placed this excerpt in the story - is this the story beginning? If that's the case, I felt that you've presented your ideas a bit too quickly. As soon as you reveal that the boy had a "shiny blue patch" on the back of his hands, I pretty much instantaneously know what's going to happen eventually. So basically I thought that the excerpt was too predictable and instantaneous. I like it better when the details are revealed more subtly - curious readers is always a good sign in this regard. Spread the details out a bit.

Other things:
- a couple of mechanical errors, such as missing commas and such.
examples: “You better go to the nurse” the teacher said “It could be contagious.” “It’s not like we would ever need to learn about this kind of stuff when we get older, it’s not real.”
- a couple of sentences could've been worded better.
- inconsistent font in terms of differentiating Leo's thoughts from actual talking.
example: compare the no-italicized "This is what I hate about my life. Why is it no one can do their job correctly? I feel like I am the only intelligent person on this planet!" with "I wonder what this is. It doesn’t look like any fungus. And it’s blue? What is with that?" which is italicized
- maybe flesh out some details, and re-evaluate how the scenes would naturally play out? I guess the way the teacher reacted or how the nurse gave her diagnosis on Leo seemed too ho-hum. You'd think there would be an even greater reaction than what you've described if people never saw something so unusual before.
- it might just be this specific excerpt, but an enormous portion so far is just filled with quotes, thoughts, and people talking. This isn't a movie script, is it? Any more narration?
- I kinda loled at how the teacher was trying to validate the existence of dragons in a serious tone. What kind of class (and teacher) is this anyways? Doesn't seem all that plausible.

The biggest issues I see are predictability and spontaneity. Maybe you could get some background history on Leo, maybe his unusual diagnosis could be hinted/referred to by a previous event that's related to the current situation. In other words, something unusual could have been going on for quite a while in a subtle way - just don't make it too obvious. And definitely slow down a bit - everything's happening at a pretty darn short period of time.

Anyways, hope that helped! smile

RedDragonX · Oct 08, 2009 1:33 PM

Bmah pretty much hit you up on all the same things I noticed. One thing you always want to remember about writing stories is to keep the readers in suspense and always guessing on what is about to happen next. When stories do get to predictable they became very bland and it wouldn't really be worth reading through the entire thing.

spyroandcynder4ever · Oct 08, 2009 7:09 PM

Yeah, the most important thing like RedDragonX said, you need to keep them in suspense. Make them want more. That's what I'm trying to do with my stories. Sorry if that's off topic. You need something that will really wow them. Make it suspenseful and they'll be that much more interested in it.

dragon protector x · Oct 08, 2009 8:38 PM

Hmmmm. Very nice and still like the other said bmah said almost all, my thoughts are is the blue thing on back of his hand really... Just really makes me think of Eragon in the movie when his palm with the symble on it glowed blue.

And one thing about the mythology part, Mythology it self isnt just about mystic creatures, but also the study of gods, mystic beings, and any other thing of legend that cant be proven or disproven. Like my dad has a book on the Greek mythology which talks alot about each Greek god and goddess along with the creatures that was part of their culture like the Stryx and Basilisk. The reason Mythology cant really be proven or disproven is the fact that it comes from legends and stories. Legends have some truth to them, so we still arnt sure about those being actually existing or not. We werent recording and dont have the technology to truely look back in time and see what parts were true or not.

Like my history teach tough me by flinging a chair acrossed the room and asking every one to write a paragraph on exactly what they saw and hear from the time they entered the class to the last bit of sound the chair made when hitting the ground. Its a simple proff of the telephone method as well. Wat one person sees actual may be different then the other and the story is told differently. Some times they missed details and some times things seemed different to one then another.
But all in all just wanted to point that out. many people tend to think mythology is just about dragons and unicorns and things like that. *mutters about the American dragon show* But still very nice start off or.... piece of story so far.

Neotyguy40 · Oct 10, 2009 1:09 AM

Thanks for the help, I think I may start about 2 days earlier, to show WHO Leo is normally, and what happens specifically. I'm also going to go into a bit slower mode to say what is happening at specific points. I'm not going to jump from minor places like the classroom to the nurse's office.

I'm also going to make it a 1st person view type thing, just because I find that easier to write, and I don't see many stories nowadays in first person.

spyroandcynder4ever · Oct 10, 2009 2:53 AM

Writing in 1st person i think is a lot easier. Just keep motivated and avoid writers blocks. If you succeed in both, then you should have no problem at all.

Neotyguy40 · Oct 10, 2009 3:12 AM

spyroandcynder4ever wrote:

Writing in 1st person i think is a lot easier. Just keep motivated and avoid writers blocks. If you succeed in both, then you should have no problem at all.

Actually, I think I am going to stay in a narration of 1st person view like I planned, where it is grammatically in narration, but the only information is in 1st person.

dragon protector x · Oct 15, 2009 2:42 AM

Dont give up. <D Thats what keeps me writting

#1 Oct 08, 2009 3:43 AM

Writing Help?

#2 Oct 08, 2009 8:41 AM

Re: Writing Help?

#3 Oct 08, 2009 1:33 PM

Re: Writing Help?

#4 Oct 08, 2009 7:09 PM

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#5 Oct 08, 2009 8:38 PM

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#6 Oct 10, 2009 1:09 AM

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#7 Oct 10, 2009 2:53 AM

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#8 Oct 10, 2009 3:12 AM

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#9 Oct 15, 2009 2:42 AM

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