The Jokes Topic (and other fun stuff!)

Nightfall · Jun 24, 2009 8:30 PM

OK, I've just realised that there's no topics for jokes and other fun stuff! yikes We need one! We need somewhere to go and have a laugh if we've had a hard day.

This topic is where you can post your favourite jokes and anything else that's funny.

RULES: No jokes or whatever that are racist, sexist etc or are likely to cause offence. No dirty jokes if you can help it but if you really must, warn us first or make it a spoiler, as long as it's not too rude.

I'll start:

Three men were walking in the rainforest and they get captured by a tribe. They are taken to the chief, who says, "Go out into the forest and bring back 10 pieces of fruit." So off they go.

When they return, the first man has 10 bananas. The chief says, "If you can shove all 10 pieces of fruit up your butt without making a sound, I'll let you go. If you make a single sound I'll kill you." The man gets to the 3rd banana and starts screaming in agony. So they kill him.

The second man has 10 cherries. He gets to the ninth cherry and starts laughing hysterically. So they kill him.

At the gates of heaven, the first man says, "You only had cherries! How did you fail?!"

The second man says, "I saw Johnny coming with 10 pineapples!"

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Did it get you laughing? Post your jokes and REMEMBER THE RULES.

ontels · Jun 25, 2009 4:35 PM

Ha, good one!

This one was allmost voted funniest joke in the world=

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me, what do you see?"
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

Nightfall · Jun 25, 2009 4:55 PM

Ha ha! big_smile Great!

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Two men were out hunting in the woods. Suddenly one of them falls over. He appears to be dead, as his eyes are rolled into his head and he isn't breathing.

The other man gets out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. "My friend is dead!" He yelled. "What should I do?"

"Just stay calm." The operator said gently. "I can help. First, we need to make sure he's dead."

For a while there is silence. Then a gunshot is heard.

"OK," said the man, "Now what?"

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That's one of my favourites! XD

DragonFireOKN · Jun 26, 2009 2:50 AM

I don't know if this classifies a joke but I'll give it a shot.

People always said that pigs would fly when the U.S. got a black president. Well, swine flu

Nightfall · Jun 26, 2009 7:35 PM

DragonFireOKN wrote:

I don't know if this classifies a joke but I'll give it a shot.
People always said that pigs would fly when the U.S. got a black president. Well, swine flu

That's great! big_smile

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A man and a dog walked into a pub. The barman said, "Sorry mate, no dogs allowed in here."

"But this is a talking dog." The man said.

"Hmm... he would be good for staff, seeing as the Credit Crunch isn't getting any better." Said the barman.

"Yes. Ask him a question. Any question."

"OK then. What's the opposite of smooth?" Asked the barman.

"Rough." Said the dog.

"... He can't talk." Said the barman.

"No, really, he can. Ask him another question." Said the man.

"What do you get on top of a house?"

"Roof." Said the dog.

"You're a liar. This dog can't talk." Said the barman.

"Just give him one more chance! Please!" Said the man.

The barman sighed and asked, "You've had one too many beers the night before - how do you feel in the morning?"

"Rough." Said the dog.

"Right, that's it. Get out." Said the barman.

The man and his dog walk outside. The dog looks up at the man and says, "Which question did I get wrong?"

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CynderFan101 · Jun 29, 2009 1:01 AM

Saphira wrote:

DragonFireOKN wrote:
I don't know if this classifies a joke but I'll give it a shot.
People always said that pigs would fly when the U.S. got a black president. Well, swine flu
That's great!
------------
A man and a dog walked into a pub. The barman said, "Sorry mate, no dogs allowed in here."
"But this is a talking dog." The man said.
"Hmm... he would be good for staff, seeing as the Credit Crunch isn't getting any better." Said the barman.
"Yes. Ask him a question. Any question."
"OK then. What's the opposite of smooth?" Asked the barman.
"Rough." Said the dog.
"... He can't talk." Said the barman.
"No, really, he can. Ask him another question." Said the man.
"What do you get on top of a house?"
"Roof." Said the dog.
"You're a liar. This dog can't talk." Said the barman.
"Just give him one more chance! Please!" Said the man.
The barman sighed and asked, "You've had one too many beers the night before - how do you feel in the morning?"
"Rough." Said the dog.
"Right, that's it. Get out." Said the barman.
The man and his dog walk outside. The dog looks up at the man and says, "Which question did I get wrong?"
-----------

Good one. Wish I had a joke to tell, but I don't. hmm

Blade · Jun 29, 2009 6:04 PM

Ok i got one:

Shakespeare goes into a bar and the landlord says "Get out, your bard."

Peter Kay does it again. yeah it kinda sucks...

Wait i got another:

A man as a women on is back are walking down the street.A man across the road yells at them
"Where you going?"

"Fancy dress party." the man yells back

"What as?" he asks back

"tortoise" he replied

"Who is she?" he asked back

"Thats Michelle!"

its not funny is it...

Nightfall · Jun 30, 2009 8:49 AM

Blade wrote:

Ok i got one:
Shakespeare goes into a bar and the landlord says "Get out, your bard."
Peter Kay does it again. yeah it kinda sucks...
Wait i got another:
A man as a women on is back are walking down the street.A man across the road yells at them
"Where you going?"
"Fancy dress party." the man yells back
"What as?" he asks back
"tortoise" he replied
"Who is she?" he asked back
"Thats Michelle!"
its not funny is it...

Ha ha! big_smile They were good!

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A polar bear walks into a pub and says, "I'll have a........ beer please."

The barman says, "Why the big pause?"

-----------------

Heh. That was lame I know, but I can't think of anymore.

SpyroGirl101 · Jul 03, 2009 2:05 PM

Warning: If you are offended by blonde jokes do not read. Lol.

A brunette and a blonde are co-workers working in the same office.

The brunette wants to take off early so she hangs upside down from the ceiling and pretends to be a lightbulb.

The boss walks in and sees her and says "You are clearly stressed out, you could use a day off."

So the brunette hops down and walks out, with the blonde following her.

The boss says to the blonde, "Where do you think you're going?"

The blonde replies, "I can't work in the dark!"

Nightfall · Jul 03, 2009 2:57 PM

SpyroGirl101 wrote:

Warning: If you are offended by blonde jokes do not read. Lol.
A brunette and a blonde are co-workers working in the same office.
The brunette wants to take off early so she hangs upside down from the ceiling and pretends to be a lightbulb.
The boss walks in and sees her and says "You are clearly stressed out, you could use a day off."
So the brunette hops down and walks out, with the blonde following her.
The boss says to the blonde, "Where do you think you're going?"
The blonde replies, "I can't work in the dark!"

LOL! big_smile That's great! XD

Blade · Jul 03, 2009 5:16 PM

i got another blonde joke:

How do you entatain a blonde with a sheet of paper?

Write P.T.O on each side!

Nightfall · Jul 03, 2009 7:44 PM

Blade wrote:

i got another blonde joke:
How do you entatain a blonde with a sheet of paper?

Write P.T.O on each side!

LMAO. But let's not go too overboard - we don't wanna offend anyone. smile

Erza · Jul 06, 2009 2:08 AM

two muffins were in an oven, one said "boy is it hot in here" the other one said "OMG a talking muffin!!".

Nightfall · Jul 06, 2009 8:12 AM

Two snowmen were standing in a field.

One says to the other,*Sniff, sniff* "Do you smell carrots?"

Blade · Jul 06, 2009 6:52 PM

Some computer jokes:

I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.

I was against it and an argument started.

I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.

He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"

And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."
----------------------------------------
NEW Viruse:
Oprah Winfrey virus:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T virus:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI virus:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Politically Correct virus:
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Government Economist virus:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order virus:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Federal Bureaucrat virus:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Texas virus:
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Adam and Eve virus:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional virus:
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline virus:
You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian virus:
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.

Public Television virus:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis virus:
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Nike virus:
Just does it.

Congressional virus #2:
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Star Trek virus:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Health Care virus:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
----------------------------------------------
Disney Password
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

Erza · Jul 06, 2009 11:55 PM

bahah, thats funny.

what do you call a fish with no eyes? FSHHHH!!

Nightfall · Jul 07, 2009 11:20 AM

The New age of Cynder wrote:

bahah, thats funny.
what do you call a fish with no eyes? FSHHHH!!

LMAO! big_smile Blade's were good too.

Haven't got a clean joke at the moment... sorry. :-P

Erza · Jul 08, 2009 10:23 AM

i am a master of bad jokes.

what do you say when you try to push alot of strawberrys into a small hole, but they get stuck? STRAWBERRY JAM!

ember_da_dragon · Jul 08, 2009 10:39 AM

XD
there were three girls and a magic genie said they each had to make a sentence using three colours. the first got green the second got pink and the third girl got yellow! the first girl said "Green Green" the second girl said "i pink up the phone" and the last girl said "i said Yellow!"

Blade · Jul 08, 2009 3:11 PM

FBI Joke (as Drug refence...):

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house.
Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?"

"Yep."

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

Nightfall · Jul 08, 2009 4:11 PM

Blade wrote:

FBI Joke (as Drug refence...):

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house.
Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?"
"Yep."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

ROFL! big_smile That's great!

I STILL haven't got any non-dirty jokes to tell. Sorry. :-P

Nightfall · Aug 02, 2009 6:59 PM

Oh wait, yes I do:

A group of girls are on holiday when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realise that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.

Blade · Aug 02, 2009 7:39 PM

Saphira wrote:

Oh wait, yes I do:
A group of girls are on holiday when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realise that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.

LOL
I got this joke:
Why does the wind always go west to east in Wyoming?

Because Nebraska sucks and Idaho blows.

RedTorchKing · Aug 02, 2009 8:20 PM

I got one.

A blonde and a brunette are walking, when the brunette says to the blonde, "I did a brazillion guy last night."
The blonde looks and says, "Omg, you're such a *bleep*! How many's a brazillion?"

Nightfall · Aug 02, 2009 9:09 PM

I have a couple:

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Three vampires go into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a cup of human blood please."

The second one says, "Yeah, I'll have the same."

But the third one says, "I'll just have a cup of hot water please."

So the barman brings them their drinks. The first vampire says to the third one, "Why don't you want blood? Why water?"

The third vampire pulls out a used plaster and says, "I'm making tea."

------------

Second one:

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Two zebras were having a conversation one day. One says, "Are we white with black stripes or black with white stripes?"

The other one says, "I don't know. I'll pray to God and ask him."

So that night he prays to God and asks him the question, to which God replied, "You are what you are."

The next day, the zebras meet up again and he says, "I asked God and he just said "You are what you are." I still don't understand..."

The other zebra says, "Well we must be white with black stripes or else God would've said, "Yo is what yo are"."

#1 Jun 24, 2009 8:30 PM

The Jokes Topic (and other fun stuff!)

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