#1 Dec 23, 2007 1:04 AM

BlueSpirit94

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From: Autumn Plains

Registered: Nov 08, 2007

Posts: 169

Gems: 0

Your honest opinion!

I had to write a story for ELA and I just finished it. Could you please read it and tell me what you think. Sorry it end so ubruptly, i got sick of writing(You will understand when you get to the end) Thanks to anyone who reads and coments. Please be honest. Here it is:

The Head Collectors
By: BlueSpirit94

A strong wind blew through the night that shook the entire house. The windows clashed and the shutters banged, making a sound so eerie. The house was very old, and sounds like this were not uncommon. When they were made, no one thought anything of it, and just went on with their nights sleep. Tonight was different though; new noises could be heard lingering in the night.
    Thirteen-year-old Josh heard these terrifying new noises, and they bothered him. He was used to the usual clashing of the windows and banging of the shutters on a windy night like this. The new noises though, of roaring and howling made his heart sink deep, deep with fear. Fear for his life. Josh knew he had protection within the walls of his aunts house, but something about these noises made him think that the house was not enough. That whatever was making the new noises could easily get in and harm him. This thought made him choke.
    Josh sat up in his bed and shook his head, trying to wipe the sinister thoughts from his mind. He was everything but optimistic, always thinking the absolute worst was going to happen. Sweat rolled down his face, and dripped off his nose and onto the sheets. He took a deep breath in, and exhaled. With that he through the sheets off of him and got up out of the bed. He walked across the room and turned on the light. The light brought a sense of relief, but not much. He was still fearful.
    Josh walked over to the window and pulled the curtain back. He looked through the crystal clear glass and into his aunt’s backyard. The night was dark, but the moon was full, giving enough light to see a little bit of the backyard. He could see the vast field and the line of trees that separated the yard from the forest. Josh knew that that was where the noises were coming from. Somewhere deep in the forest. He always thought there was something strange about the forest and that someday it would come and haunt him. Tonight just happened to be that night. Josh let the curtain go and fall back into place covering the window. He then turned and looked at the digital clock on top of the wooden dresser. It read 1:42 AM. Daylight was still many hours away. Josh sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed.
    He eventually fell back to sleep, but awoke minutes latter to the sound of roaring coming from the backyard again. He jumped to his feet and returned to the window. Again he pulled the curtain back and looked in the yard. This time something strange caught his eye. A flashing dim orange light coming up from over the trees. With that came the rustling of nearby bushes. However the rustling did not come from the blowing wind, it had a different source. Josh wondered what it could be as he slowly backed away from the window.
    As frightened as he was he knew he had to do something. He could not let whatever evil that was lurking back there get to him, his aunt and his cousin. Josh knew deep down that he had to protect them. He quickly made his way over to the nightstand beside his bed. That is where he kept all of his things when he stayed at his aunt’s house. He pulled open the drawer and too out three things, his cell phone, a flashlight and his pocketknife. He put the phone and the flashlight into his pocket but kept the knife gripped firmly in his hand. The handcrafted wood handle matched perfectly with the curves of his hand. It was made for him by his father; it was one of his most prized possessions.
    Josh made his way over to the door leading out to the hall. He opened it and simultaneously turned the light off. That small sense of relief left when darkness fell again, but Josh knew he had to be brave. He shut the door behind him as he crept down the hall. He quietly made his way over to the door of his cousin’s room. It was slightly cracked, so Josh pushed it open. He could see his fifteen-year-old cousin, Tommy, lying sound asleep on his bed. Josh stepped into the room and closed the door. Tommy mumbled and rolled around as the door latched. It had made a small CLICK noise. Josh however was not worried about waking him though, that is exactly what he intended to do.
    He made his way across the room and knelt beside the bed. He could now hear his cousin snoring quietly. He almost felt bad that he was about to wake him. Josh put his hand on Tommy’s shoulder. He shook him softly.
    “Tommy,” Josh whispered as he shook. “Tommy wake up.” Josh took his hand off of Tommy. Tommy rolled around and made small grunting noises. Josh whispered one more time. “Tommy!” With this he got a response.
    “What do you want?” Tommy said with an aggravated tone in his voice. His eyes snapped open and he sat up in his bed. He reached his hands up and rubbed his eyes, trying to wipe the tiredness away.
    “There’s something outside,” Josh responded as he backed away from the bed. Tommy rotated his body and stood up.
    “What do you mean?” he snapped
    “There’s something in the backyard,” Josh replied with a worried tone in his voice. “I saw a strange orange glow above the trees.”
    “What are you talking about Josh?” Tommy was agitated. “That’s impossible.”
    “It’s true,” Josh protested. “Come look.” Tommy sighed and fallowed Josh out of the room. Josh led him to the kitchen and then over to the sliding glass door that led to the backyard. They stood in front of the door. “Look,” Josh ordered. Tommy looked into the backyard and was frightened by what he saw. There was a strange glow over the trees.
    “What is that?” Tommy questioned
    “I don’t know,” was Josh’s answer. “But I intend to soon find out.” Tommy asked no questions and fallowed Josh into the basement. The basement was finished and complete with a couch and TV on an entertainment center. It was more of a living room than a basement. Josh went over to the closet and took out his black leather jacket. He put it on and Tommy grabbed his jacket. He to put it on. Tommy then walked over to a small wooden chest resting against the far right wall. He opened it up. Inside was an assortment of knifes. Tommy searched through the box and came out with a long knife. The handle was eight inches long and the handle was expertly crafted. Many designs ran through it, showing the excellent craftsmanship. Tommy closed the chest and walked over to Josh.
    “I’m ready, you?” asked Tommy. Josh nodded and fallowed Tommy back up the stairs. They went back over to the sliding glass door and Josh unlatched it. They did all of this in complete silence, being sure not to wake their sleeping aunt. If she woke up and saw them sneaking out, she would be furious. Josh looked over his shoulder to make sure that the only two in the room were he and Tommy. When he realized all was clear he pulled the door open and stepped outside.
    The night was cool and fresh. A crisp wind blew carrying the scent of a bon fire that had been made earlier that evening. Tommy took a whiff of the scent as he to stepped outside, and shut the door behind him. Memories of earlier that night came back to him. He remembered him, Josh and his aunt sitting around the fire having a grand time, toasting mashmellows, making s’mores and telling stories. Back at that time he thought the time he was going to spend at his aunts house would be fun. Now however, it had turned into a fearful experience.
    Tommy stayed close behind Josh with his knife gripped firmly in his hand. If anything was to happen he wanted to be ready to defend himself. Their pace was quick. They soon made their way to the line of trees that led to the forest. Both boys just stood there and gulped. Great fear was now upon them. Their bodies shook repulsively. Josh then turned and walked over to the nearby fire pit. He gazed into it. There were still red smoldering ashes sitting inside. This gave him an idea.
    Josh squatted down beside the pit. He then began to slowly work the fire back to life. He blew on the ashes and fed them small sticks and twigs that were resting on the ground nearby. He eventually got the fire going again. Josh then bent down and picked up a small torch like log off the ground. Perfect he thought to himself as he inspected the “Torch”. He walked away from the fire and over to his uncle’s tractor that was sitting about 100 yards away. Next to the tractor was a large blue gas can. Josh opened it up and looked into it. At the bottom was a clear liquid. It was gas. Josh lowered down the larger end of the torch into the can. He rubbed the top around in the gas and then took it out. He walked back over to the fire. In one swift movement Josh lunged the gas covered end of the torch into the fire and took it out. The whole end of it went up in flames. The flashlight he had was good for light, but the torch was good for light and protection. That made him feel much safer.
    Josh walked back over to Tommy. Tommy looked pleased with the work that Josh had done. They then began to walk down the trail and deep into the forest.

…
    The trails in the forest twisted and turned. Josh and Tommy traveled quickly down them. They knew exactly where the orange glow was coming from, and that is where they were headed. Near the center of the forest was an opening where there were now trees, just grass. The orange glow looked like it was coming from about that spot. They knew that if they kept up their pace they would be there in a matter of minutes.
    “Josh,” said Tommy with a hint of worry in his voice. Joshed looked back at him.
    “What is it?” Josh asked.
    “Well,” started Tommy. “I know I’m older than you, but, well, I’m really scared about what we might find. I mean. You’ve heard the stories about what happened here many years ago. How the one guy came back here and…” Tommy’s voice trailed off as he gulped. He started up again after a moment. “And they found his gnarled body buried in the dirt days latter.” Josh stopped and turned around. He looked at Tommy with a hint of great fear in his eyes.
    Yea, I’ve heard the story,” answered Josh. That was all he said. He turned back around and started walking again, torch in one hand, knife in the other. Tommy wondered why Josh had said nothing else. He ignored it though and fallowed Josh. He was already a few yards ahead of him so he ran to catch up.
    A few more minutes passed before they neared the clearing. Josh saw the opening ahead and rushed towards it. Tommy ran behind him trying to keep up. As they got closer they could smell a retched smell. It was absolutely horrible. Josh gagged when this smell overcame him. He had never smelled anything like this before. What the hell is that Josh thought to himself. He wanted an answer to this question and knew he would soon find out. Josh walked through the opening in the trees and entered the clearing. Tommy did the same. What they saw next made them sick.
    In the center of the clearing was a fire, the source of the orange glowing light. And resting in the fire, a human torso, which was the source of the grotesque smell. The scene was disturbing. The torso had a ripped T- shirt on. The body was completely mangled. Cuts ran up the stomach and onto the chest. The burning fire was turning the white body charcoal black. Josh began to walk towards the fire to get a closer look.
    â€*bleep* it Josh!” shouted Tommy angrily. “What the hell are you doing! Let’s get out of here!” Josh did not listen. He continued to slowly walk towards the burning body. “Josh, turn around and get over here!” Josh continued yelling in a frightened rage. “I want to go home!” Josh still gave no response. He approached the fire and knelt besides it. He set his knife on the ground and started to inspect the body. Oddly, something was familiar about it.
    After a few seconds Josh finally spoke. “Who would do such a thing?” His words were soft and the sound of his voice somewhat soothed Tommy. He realized now that he had to comfort Josh. He walked over next to him and sat by his side.
    “I don’t know who would do this,” Tommy answered. “Someone sick that’s for sure.” Tommy placed his hand on Josh’s shoulder. He set his knife down and put that hand down on the dirt. The dirt did not feel normal to him though. He felt something else. Tommy looked down and saw a human finger sticking out of the ground. He gasped and jumped back with fear.
    “What is it?” Josh asked with surprise.
    “L-look,” Tommy choked. Tommy turned his head and backed up. Josh looked and saw the disturbing sight.
    “I’ll call the police,” insisted Josh as he and Tommy stood up. “Let’s get out of here.”
    “You’re not going any where,” said a deep unfamiliar voice. Josh and Tommy turned their bodies slowly and saw a dark fired wolf standing at the opening. He began to slowly move towards them. Josh and Tommy stood motionless. They were both completely struck with fear. How could this be happening thought Josh. He felt a hot tear slide down his cheek. His legs began to tremble along with Tommy’s
As the wolf moved in on them he began to speak again. “It’s been a long time since I’ve added a Childs head to my collection. His voice was deep and emotionless. It sent chills down both the boys spines. The wolf could sense their fear. That is what he hungered for. He thrived off of fear. Soon he was within inches of both the boys. He circled around them and sniffed. For a wolf he was very large. His head just barely reached Josh’s shoulder. Normally Tommy would have been fascinated to see a wolf this big because he had a great love for animals, but now his mind was too overtaken with fear. “You two boys are fine, very fine indeed. The rest of the pack will love what I have come up with this time. The wolf stopped in his tracks and stared both the boys down for a moment as if trying to make a decision. “It has been our packs ritual to collect the heads of anyone who trespasses on our land at night. Five years we have done this, and with five years has come dozens of heads. First we kill and make sure the death is slow and painful. Then we rip your body limb from limb. We burn the torso and bury the arms and legs. The head, we keep!”
With that the wolf bolted at Josh and tackled him to the ground. The torch flew out of his and extinguished when it hit the earth. The wolf pinned Josh’s arms down with his front claws. “What are you going to do now,” the wolf said sinisterly. Josh grunted as he fought, but it was no use, the wolf was way too strong. The wolf took his claw off of Josh’s left arm. He used that claw to grip Josh’s neck. Josh began to choke and cough when this happened. He could not breath and felt like his lungs were going to collapse. Josh now tried to use his free arm to beat the wolf off of him. The wolf however took every blow as if it were nothing at all. He continued the brutal attack.
Tommy stood about five feet away, so swallowed up in fear he did not know what to do. He just stood and watched as his cousin was beat and abused. His whole body locked up and he could not move a muscle. I’m the older one. I have to do something he thought. But thoughts were not enough to do anything. No matter what he thought he could not get himself to do anything.
Through his extreme fear Josh fought, but to no avail. He stopped swinging his arm and put it down, waiting for death to overtake him. He moved his eyes and looked over at his cousin, he wanted to get one more look at him before he died. Something else caught his eye though. A shiny object on the ground by his cousin’s feet. He emediently knew what it was. It was the knife.
“Tommy, t-the kni-fe!” Josh managed to yell. Tommy looked down at his feet and saw the knife. Something in him took the fear away at that moment. He kicked the knife with his foot. It swept across the ground and over to Josh. Josh reached over and gripped the knife with his free hand. He then took it and thrusted the eight inch blade into the wolfs chest. Blood squirted out onto Josh’s face and the pressure slowly began to come off of him. Josh used his left foot and kicked the wolf off of him. The knife came out of the wolf’s chest as he flew into the air and across the ground. Josh stood back up slowly, his body was weak and his arm dripped thick red blood. His neck is what hurt the most though, that to was covered in blood.
The wolf began to stand back up as well. Blood poured from his chest and onto the ground. He fixed his eyes on Josh and then turned red with anger. He grunted and lunged towards Josh.
“Oh no you don’t,” Josh yelled as he stepped towards the wolf that was flying at him. He gripped the knife firmly and violently stabbed it into his throat. It entered the skin and slit across, leaving a five-inch gash. The wolf yelled in pain as he fell to the ground with blood flowing from his neck. Josh looked at him evilly. His eyes glared with hate towards this creature. It lay on its stomach and tried to stand back up, but fell right back down.
“T-this isn’t ov-er,” muttered the wolf. He let out and ear shattering howl into the night. It pierced through the forest and could be heard for miles. Then the wolf took one final breath in, and died.
Tommy looked over at Josh. “Dude, that was amazing,” he said.
“We got to go, now!” Josh demanded.
“Why?” asked Tommy.
“Because, there’s more coming, he howled before he died,” Josh responded. Tommy’s heart sank deep. “Remind me to never sneak out at night again.” Both boys began to run.

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BlueSpirit94

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From: Autumn Plains

Registered: Nov 08, 2007

Posts: 169

Gems: 0

Re: Your honest opinion!

Please! Someone, anyone. I want to know if it is good or not. Tell me what grade you tink I will get. Tell me what you like and dont like, what i'm good at and what I can improve on

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Spyro_Loves_Me

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From: Right behind you! AHH!, United

Registered: Jul 03, 2007

Posts: 1,129

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Re: Your honest opinion!

Oh, quite interesting. Well written story and plot. A nice choice of words too!
The only thing I'd suggest is going back and re-reading the story to check for grammatical errors. I caught a few of those, along with a sentence fragment.
Only spelling error I saw was "fallowed." It should be "followed."
Another thing I caught was the wrong type of word used - such as "to" and "too", or "through" and "threw". So be sure to check those.
Also, put thoughts in quotation marks.
Something I would do is add a little somethin' to your last sentence. Your last sentence is like your final note. I would say something along the lines of, "Both boys then began to run through the shadowy, cold night without even taking one glance back."

Oh, hope I didn't seem to mean there. I probably sounded like an English teacher :-P .Just tryin' to help ya out.
Hope you get a nice grade on this.
And also, I think the ending was fine. Leaves readers to decide the fate of the characters.

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BlueSpirit94

Member

From: Autumn Plains

Registered: Nov 08, 2007

Posts: 169

Gems: 0

Re: Your honest opinion!

Thanks so much  for the reply.And no I dont think you were being mean at all. I am glad that you were honest with me and told me what I needed to improve on, and what I did good on. I'm not that great of a speller, so I kind of expected to get caught with those and the gramatical errors. Anyways, thank you!

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Carrottime

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From: Carrottopia

Registered: Dec 16, 2007

Posts: 122

Gems: 0

Re: Your honest opinion!

It's pretty good, pretty much same as what SLM said though, check da grammar.

You probably got OVER 9000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! gems from that post lol.

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i LOL'D

BlueSpirit94

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From: Autumn Plains

Registered: Nov 08, 2007

Posts: 169

Gems: 0

Re: Your honest opinion!

acually I only got like 75 gems. I ued to think they based it on how many words too, I guess they dont

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Spyrorocks

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From: Australia Mate!

Registered: May 21, 2006

Posts: 4,122

Gems: 14

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Re: Your honest opinion!

There is a max of 75 gems per post.

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Carrottime

Member

From: Carrottopia

Registered: Dec 16, 2007

Posts: 122

Gems: 0

Re: Your honest opinion!

There is a max of 75 gems per post.

Yes I know, it's a joke.

My god admins can never take a joke XD

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i LOL'D

Sails_the_Fox

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Registered: Dec 23, 2007

Posts: 570

Gems: 0

Re: Your honest opinion!

sweet sweet sweeT SWEET DUDE! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! I FREAKIN LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVED IT ASEWSOME WORK MAN !!!!!!              ITS AWSEOME ! ! ! ! YA GONNA MAKE MORE OF IT??? PLAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEE?!?!?!?!??!?!? i loVED D D D IT!!!  :'(  :'(  :'(      :'(  :'(  :'(  IT WAS SWEET! make more FREAKING PLEASE!!!  :'(  :'(  :'(  :'(            SWEEET!!!!!

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chrisgregory05

Member

Registered: Dec 28, 2007

Posts: 51

Gems: 0

Re: Your honest opinion!

Good structure, nice style, good grammar...

Shaping up nicely for a thirteen year old.

Only things I will say is your sentence structure could be changed sometimes, and your vocabulary is tad bland. Go exotic.

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Sazex

Member

From: Glimmer

Registered: Dec 30, 2007

Posts: 276

Gems: 0

Re: Your honest opinion!

Well Done i really enjoyed reading it, it was really good and a good use of words!
Some Words i didn't understand but it was pretty easy enough to read though As I said Well Done!

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