Age: 13 Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 396 Location: on the edge of the dragon universe 33527 Gems
Posted: Sat Mar 13, 2010 7:52 pm Post subject: Gothic Dragon Realms of Despair
I am going to write a story about this,if you like this part please give your opinions on it and then I will go on.
Chapter 1:Strange Appearances
Part 1
In a internal realm where time forgot, dark creatures rose from the dry lifeless crust of the Earth as crows from above were soaring down to nest and perch in dead trees, skeletons scattered all over the desolate citys along with necrotized flesh on corpses rotted, skys were black and red blended together.....all seemed the same in this realm as always, nearby in a ancient cathedral a elegant but deadly dragoness named Elvira was preparing to visit her close dear friend Vincent(also a dragon)
Elvira was a purple sleek dragoness marked with two roses on her back also had a diamond shaped horn on her scaly head,slightly torn skin in the large thin wings.
Soon after getting a message from Vincent she got dressed into a blood red lacy corset,mesh gloves,thrilly skirt and four engraved studded gauntlets for each leg lastly slipped on her spiked choker around the neck,
gently opened her wings ready for flight to Twilight Castle where she could fall into Vincents arms and stare into each others glistening crystal eyes at long last.
Ok I know that wasnt long at all but I will try to edit a bit more in tomorrow,alright lets hear your thoughts on this part.
Age: 15 Joined: 31 Dec 2008 Posts: 1982 Location: London, but not Soho. 30117 Gems
Posted: Sat Mar 13, 2010 8:18 pm Post subject:
Gosh, you didn't hold back on the gothic imagery did you.
Your spelling and grammar are fairly solid, with the exceptions of the third word, which I think should be "eternal", the fact that necrotized is not a word (and doesn't really have an alternative, "resurrected", perhaps) and the lack of spaces in the list of clothing. And, it should be "desolate cities".
The thing is, so far, it sounds as if it's been written by a novice English speaker. It just doesn't sound right. I mean, the second paragraph is all one sentence, you know? It just has an amateurish feel that I can't quite put my finger on.
Also, you have two choices in your poll, and neither of them are negative.
_________________ "Don't worry sir, you said it yourself. Sooner or later, we're all somebody's dog."
On a crusade against boring, repetitive amateur philosophy. Seriously guys, just read a book and skip this phase.
Image from the legendary xkcd.
Last edited by Aceedwin on Fri May 07, 2010 5:31 pm; edited 1 time in total
Age: 16 Joined: 28 Nov 2007 Posts: 2662 Location: England 38894 Gems
Posted: Fri May 07, 2010 5:25 pm Post subject:
I love Gothic stuff, but every inch of the story has that atmosphere. It's good to have just some elements of it, but try not to bombard the whole thing with Gothic imagery. Remember, not everyone is a fan of Gothic stuff, so try to please everyone.
But do continue, taking what myself and Aceedwin said into mind.
Age: 13 Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 396 Location: on the edge of the dragon universe 33527 Gems
Posted: Thu May 13, 2010 1:46 pm Post subject:
look Aceedwin I didnt ask for a bloody english test on here from my writing but if you want to be a judge of everyones story etc on this website because some word is spelt wrong or some bits are slightly dodgy on punctuality or I dont quite get a words definition right be welcome to.
When exploring in writing you are free to base it on whatever you like,testing and experimenting different things,people make plans of their work before actually doing the real work on paper thats what I have made a tester of the chapter I wanted to make, however fantasized it is.I dont think people should judge someones working in progress because they might be trying to improve a paragraph or topic to make a story better from their own views or someones view.
Well a good aspect of my chapter there is that you could understand what I was going on about,right? At least theres that point of it plus I am only 13 years old (just turned 13) me and kids my age arent ment to be masters at every single little thing in the subject English ok?
Age: 13 Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 396 Location: on the edge of the dragon universe 33527 Gems
Posted: Thu May 13, 2010 2:02 pm Post subject:
Saphira, I dont really care what others want out of this and I dont care either if they are pleased or not with what I have made this story about.
I am not a kind of person who wants to please everyone.
Age: 16 Joined: 28 Nov 2007 Posts: 2662 Location: England 38894 Gems
Posted: Thu May 13, 2010 2:02 pm Post subject:
*sigh* I'm sorry but it annoys me when people go on a huff just because they receive some criticism. I just have to say this:
Aceedwin is what most people would refer to as a critic. Sadly, some people misinterpret this as a flamer. He's not a flamer. You put stories on this forum for what? Feedback. Not all feedback is going to be positive Lucy. Aceedwin was merely telling you the truth on how to improve your story. He's honest and you should take his suggestions into account.
Also, yes you're 13 but that's no excuse. I'm sorry but it's not. Ever heard of spellcheck? And again, he was just pointing out how you could improve.
If you don't like criticism, then don't post your stories. Not everyone will like them, and if they don't then they will be honest with you but in a nice way. If you can't handle criticism, then I'm sorry but writing isn't a career you should pursue. That is, if you want to be a writer.
Now, before you have a go at me, know this - I'm not attacking you at all. I'm simply pointing out the obvious and sticking up for a friend.
But please, do continue with the story and take the criticism into account. You can't improve without it.
Age: 15 Joined: 31 Dec 2008 Posts: 1982 Location: London, but not Soho. 30117 Gems
Posted: Thu May 13, 2010 5:03 pm Post subject:
Wait, people shouldn't judge someone's work in progress? Rubbish. A work in progress is meant to be criticised. Criticism is the best way for you to learn what you have done wrong. Simple as. For instance, would you rather eliminate those spelling and grammar mistakes now, or have them float around your story making it look amateurish forever?
You could indeed understand what was going on, and that is, I suppose, a cornerstone of literature, but only in the same way that being edible is the cornerstone of cuisine. Sure, you can eat it, but that doesn't mean you will enjoy it.
I have no sympathy for someone who actually requests opinions, and then has a tantrum when they aren't all people worshipping them.
While Saph already gave you the "wake up and stop being so whiny" talk, I dedicated my life to this stuff.
_________________ "Don't worry sir, you said it yourself. Sooner or later, we're all somebody's dog."
On a crusade against boring, repetitive amateur philosophy. Seriously guys, just read a book and skip this phase.
Age: 14 Joined: 03 Sep 2009 Posts: 186 Location: In the Jedi Temple improving my skills 12448 Gems
Posted: Thu May 13, 2010 11:11 pm Post subject:
I'd have to agree. I mean what do you expect people to do when reading these? You're going to get comments. Sure they may not be the best but hey it's better than nothing right? And when people say you need to change some things, that doesn't mean that they are attacking you. They are trying to help you improve so that you know this for future reference.
_________________ If you think that you can't do something, don't give up! Have confidence in yourself and things will become easier in the future.
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33527 Gems
And, it's sounds interesting. Please, continue.
